


Even Though We’re Dead, We can Still Promote Road Safety SAGA

by paralogism



Category: Zombieland Saga (Anime)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, and some yuri, does it count as crack if the show is as well, hopefully
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 04:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17480867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paralogism/pseuds/paralogism
Summary: Franchouchou film an important public service announcement.





	Even Though We’re Dead, We can Still Promote Road Safety SAGA

**Scene 1: THE FRANCHOUCHOU IDOL HOUSE, BASEMENT**

_In the run-down basement which serves as Franchouchou’s meeting space, Kotarou Tatsumi stands in his customary spot in front of the whiteboard, facing the seven idols who regard him with varying amounts of attention. Saki sits cross-legged in her chair with her head propped on her palm, Yugiri smokes a pipe of something which was legal in the Meiji era (probably), Tae happily chomps on dried squid and the others wonder what random adventure they’re about to encounter today._

**Kotarou:** Good morning, ladies!

 **Franchouchou:** Good morning.

 **Kotarou:** I can’t hear you!

 **Franchouchou:** _[louder, but without enthusiasm]_ Good morning!

 **Kotarou:** That’s better! So without further ado, let’s get down to business. You’ve played to the masses at Arpino, you’ve overcome the tribulations of the stage literally collapsing around you, you’ve had the emotional bonding moment together and you’re ready and hyped for the second season! (Not actually confirmed.) So the question is, what’s the next step for Franchouchou after your latest success? Because she doesn’t get enough lines or even an episode about her background, I’ll ask Yugiri this time!

 **Yugiri:** [ _exhaling from her pipe_ ] Prithee, I would imagine that we should do something to thank the fans and the local community for all their support. Whilst our goal is to revitalize Saga, we should be mindful that we are reliant on the citizens of Saga to become increasingly popular. As such, we should-

 **Kotarou:** [ _makes an incorrect buzzer sound_ ] Nice try, Yugiri, but you’re wrong! Dead wrong! I guess that’s to be expected with the whole zombie thing. Instead, it’s time to give back to the fans and the local community for all their support! That’s because even though our goal is to revitalize Saga, we should be mindful that-

_[There is the creak of a chair being pushed backwards. Yugiri stands, walks over to Kotarou and, predictably, bitchslaps him. The smoking pipe held in her hand snaps in the process as Kotarou flies across the room and lies limp, to the concern of ~~all~~ some of Franchouchou.]_

**Yugiri:** Did you not listen to what I said?!

 **Sakura:** Another slap?!

 **Lily:** [ _checking for a pulse_ ] I think he’s dead, Yugiri!

 **Junko:** He only slightly deserved it!

_[The girls gasp as Kotarou suddenly jerks back to life and sits up from the floor, his movements stilted and sluggish, eyes wide open and lifeless. In fact, he’s moving exactly like…]_

**Franchouchou:** A _zombie_!

_[All of Franchouchou run to huddle in the corner of the room in fear, before realising that might be a little ironic. They slowly return to their seats in confusion. Kotarou simply reaches into the pocket of his waistcoat, digs past the dried squid, and retrieves an ice pack to hold to his cheek as he stands in front of the blackboard once more.]_

**Kotarou:** [ _slightly slurring_ ] Where was I before being so rudely interrupted? Ah, that’s right. Basically, you girls are now popular enough locally to participate in some public service advertisements. And the current campaign that Saga Prefecture is running is: road safety!

[ _He hits the blackboard so that it flips and reveals the reverse side. Written in katakana and colourful chalk is: “Road Safety – Simple, Even for Zombies!”. There are also various, poor quality illustrations – the most eye-catching is one which resembles a zombie flying through the air after being hit by a van.]_

 **Kotarou:** This is a relevant topic for everyone, and _especially_ you three!

_[He looms over and points to Sakura, Junko and Saki in turn. Sakura and Junko flinch; Saki clicks her tongue and looks more annoyed than usual.]_

**Sakura:** M-Me? What did I ever do that was unsafe?

 **Kotarou:** [ _coughs_ ]

 **Sakura:** …Apart from running into the middle of the road and getting run over?

 **Kotarou:** [ _coughs, louder_ ]

 **Sakura:** …Twice.

 **Kotarou:** So you’re twice as bad as Junko, who’s only been daft enough to be run over once!

 **Lily:** That was really something, though!

 **Tae:** [ _incoherent sounds of agreement_ ]

 **Kotarou:** And you, Saki! You’re unsafe at the best of times, but rolling out of a moving van is not something we want the kids back home to repeat! Think of the lawsuits!

 **Saki:** You wanna talk about lawsuits? You’re the one who ran over Junko in the first place!

 **Kotarou:** It’s not hit and run if you’re already dead. Now, the set and crew are already prepared for you and I am sure as hell not paying them overtime, so let’s hurry up and go go go go go GO GO GO GO!

 

**Scene 2: OUTSIDE KARATSU RAILWAY STATION, SAGA PREFECTURE**

_Buses and cars form a busy shuffle in the background as Franchouchou (made up and sprayed with the good fabric protector) prepare to face the cameras for filming. It’s a familiar location for them, being where they held their guerrilla live a few months prior. A bandaged Kotarou talks with the director and crew while the girls read over their scripts and chat amongst themselves. Yugiri watches the vehicles passing by with fascination._  

 **Yugiri:** I’ve been most fascinated by these horseless carriages you use as means of transport. Pray tell, how do they work?

 **Sakura:** Ummm, it’s a little difficult to explain… Hey, Saki!

 **Saki:** What? Calling my name so suddenly, do you want me to kill you?

 **Sakura:** [ _rolling her eyes_ ] Always with the death threats. Can’t you come up with something original?

[ _Saki ponders this for a moment._ ]

 **Saki:** Then, do you want me to kiss you?

 **Sakura:** ?!

_[Saki takes a gentle grasp of Sakura’s hands into her own. Sakura blushes, and her eyes go wide.]_

**Sakura:** S-Saki… We can’t…

 **Saki:** We can’t?

 **Sakura:** I mean, we can, but…

 **Saki:** Which one is it?!

 **Yugiri:** Apologies for interrupting, but I believe I asked a question.

 **Saki:** Oh, my bad.

_[Saki lets go of Sakura, who staggers into the background and is caught by Lily, Ai and Junko before she can fall over.]_

**Saki:** So how does a car work? Engine goes vroom, wheels go screech and car goes fast.

 **Yugiri:** Huh.

 **Saki:** Modern engineering is amazing! Bikes and cars put out way more power than they used to! Even the crappy van we have has over a hundred horses in it!

 **Yugiri:** [ _impressed_ ] Remarkable. But where do all the horses fit?

 **Saki:** It’s a, what‘chamacallit, a figure of speech.

[ _Ai and Junko help Sakura into a nearby chair as Lily resumes her lecture on acting to the trio. Tae is running around in the background making engine noises._ ]

 **Lily:** Memorizing the lines is important, but it doesn’t mean anything unless you can convey the right emotion! That’s what makes acting fun! So when you deliver your lines, try to imagine how awful it would be to be run over, or the rending pain of being hit by a speeding truck!

 **Sakura:**  [ _shudders_ ]I don’t have to imagine how that feels like.

 **Junko:** Me either.

 **Lily:** Ah, so you’re method actors!

 **Ai:** Sakura, I’m pretty sure I told you to be careful around traffic just before you got run over. Again.

 **Sakura:** [ _sadly_ ] Everyone’s a critic, huh?

 **Ai:** All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t kill you to listen to others for once.

 **Junko:** Well, it wouldn’t kill her _not_ to listen to you either. Since we’re already dead.

 **Ai:** It’s a figure of speech, Junko. You could also stand to be more careful.

 **Lily:** Everything’s fine – Ai will always protect Junko, anyway!

 **Junko:** [ _makes a touched smile at Lily_ ] You will?

 **Lily:** [ _confused_ ] Not me, Ai!

 **Junko:** [ _also confused_ ] You?

 **Lily:** Ai – ah, forget it.

 **Sakura** : Awww, how nice! I wish I had someone to protect me from being run over… again.

 **Junko:** [ _under her breath_ ] You have your own airbags to protect you anyway.

 **Sakura:** Sorry, what was that?

 **Junko:** [ _flustered_ ] Nothing! Nothing at all!

 **Kotarou:** What the hell are you girls doing? We’ve been ready to film for the past five minutes now!

 **Franchouchou:** Oh.

[ _They run into position in front of the cameras and crew, being the same as from their Drive-In Tori commercial._ ]

 **Director:** Are you girls ready? Do you remember all your lines?

[ _The girls nod._ ]

 **Director:** Okay then. Action!

 **Sakura:** [ _in a grave voice_ ] In Japan, nearly 4,000 people and any number of anime protagonists were killed in traffic accidents last year.

 **Yugiri:** 201 of these cases involved drink driving.

 **Junko:** It’s easy to be distracted by technology, like your mobile phone. [ _She looks across at Ai in confusion_.] What’s a mobile phone?

 **Ai:** [ _under her breath_ ] It’s what our producer spends too much time playing L*ve L*ve and I*olMaster on… I mean, all it takes is one split-second, one piece of bad luck for your life to be turned upside down.

 **Saki:** Your life is fragile, so take care of it! [ _She has a moment of realisation before a look of horror forms on her face_.] Ah fuck, my Tamagotchi!

 **Lily:** So please, everyone! Always pay attention to the road when you drive!

 **Tae:** Rrrghhghghhghh!

 **Junko:** And for the children out there…

 **Saki:** Or for people who are just scatterbrained…

 **Ai:** Like Sakura…

 **Sakura:** Hey!

 **Franchouchou:** Never run into the street without looking both ways!

 **Director:** And cut! Let’s do another take, and would it kill you not to add all those comedic asides?

 

**SCENE 3: INSIDE KOTAROU’S MINIVAN, RETURNING HOME FOR THE EVENING**

**Sakura** : Man, being serious for 30 minutes is really tiring.

 **Saki:** Yeah, and I’m starving as well.

 **Ai:** Since we’re out, it might not be a bad idea to grab some dinner.

 **Lily:** [ _chanting_ ] Mc*onald’s! Mc*onalds!

 **Saki:** [ _chanting, louder_ ] Drive-in Tori! Drive-in Tori!

 **Tae:** Rrrghhhh! Rrrghhhh!

 **Kotarou:** Can everyone please shut the _hell_ up! We’re contractually obligated to only eat at Drive-in Tori, anyway!

 **Saki:** Alright! Take that, shrimpy!

 **Lily:** Hmph!

[ _A thumping noise._ ]

 **Saki:** Did you just kick my seat? I’m surprised your legs are long enough- [ _Thump_ ] Hey, you did it again! That’s it!

[ _Saki unbuckles her seatbelt, turns to face Lily, then lunges for her. Lily is prepared, and shoves Tae into Saki’s path. Chaos ensues as the wrath of Tae is unleashed. Nothing is safe as she literally flies across the van, biting everything in sight.]_

 **Sakura:** Oh my God! What should we do? What should we do?!

 **Kotarou:** [ _making a fist and turning around_ ] You could all start by _shutting the hell up_!

 **Ai:** You idiot, don’t take your eyes off the road!

 **Kotarou:** Ah.

[ _Everyone holds on for dear life as the van swerves across the road. Well, assuming zombies have a life to cling to._ ]

 **Junko:** This doesn’t seem very safe!

 **Lily:** I think there’s a very important lesson here!

 **Tae:** Rrrggghh!

 **Saki:** I agree with Tae! The lesson is-

[ _The van makes another wild swerve.]_

 **All:** Aaaaaaarrrghh!

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing in this sort of format, so that was interesting.


End file.
